People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
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Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Wait a minute
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
opening twitter today
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
LMAO.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Hit me in the face with a bird
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?