People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
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*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*