Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
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I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.