People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
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who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
The pen is writier than the sword.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
…..pretty much.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
#MeanwhileInCanada
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”