Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
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Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
mechanics be like
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.