people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
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I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Huge, if true.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
The little toadstool has spoken.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Siri, fight Alexa.