People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
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Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
When your man makes a valid point
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?