People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
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Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Who’s your best friend?
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.