People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
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We need more people like this.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Passwords are more important than ever.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw