People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
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*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.