@TweetPotato314

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

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@Cravin4

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

@darrinfb

I just found a halloween candy on my lawn and ate it.

So I guess I AM able to live off the land if I ever needed to.

@ObscureGent

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

@WheelTod

Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves

But I don’t like to point fingers

@TheHyyyype

the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget