@mattZillaaaa

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.

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@PoshTick

mom: so where did you two meet?

me: [afraid to say we met online] the concrete exercise yard of a maximum-security prison

@internetluke

Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..

@JohnLyonTweets

“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing

@TraylorParker

Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!

Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?

Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.

@aotakeo

[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

@MarfSalvador

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

@Brampersandon_

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

@ashleycrem

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.