People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
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My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.