@hipsterocracy

People shit on Columbus like they’ve never knocked on the wrong door and then murdered the people inside and lived there.

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@brettryland

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

@gabbybendel

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

@Fred_Delicious

*cop bursts into bathroom*
“KID DON’T FLUSH THOSE DRUGS!”
*toilet is wearing shades*
“damn. we’re too late”
*toilet rides off on motorcycle*

@marinhubka

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

@ugh

men: women are very hard to read
women: actually, we just want-
men: such complex creatures
women: if u just liste-
men: so mysterious

@RidiculousSheri

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.

@jonnysun

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

@_salt_n_lime

I just threatened to stick my toes in my husband’s beer in case you thought I’m normal in person.