I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
People shit on Columbus like they’ve never knocked on the wrong door and then murdered the people inside and lived there.
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Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
*cop bursts into bathroom*
“KID DON’T FLUSH THOSE DRUGS!”
*toilet is wearing shades*
“damn. we’re too late”
*toilet rides off on motorcycle*
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
men: women are very hard to read
women: actually, we just want-
men: such complex creatures
women: if u just liste-
men: so mysterious
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
they’ve hired a PR firm
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I just threatened to stick my toes in my husband’s beer in case you thought I’m normal in person.