Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
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Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks