Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.
People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. It’s called arson and those people are called witnesses.
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Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Trump’s foreign policy answers sound like a book report from a teenager who hasn’t read the book. “Oh, the grapes! They had so much wrath!”
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
once while i was camping in Florida a raccoon got in my car and long story short if you see a raccoon driving a 97 Saturn Wagon DM me
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
M: You’re welcome.