@Only_Fast_Eddie

People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. It’s called arson and those people are called witnesses.

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@Sassafrantz

Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.

@notacroc

Date: wanna get out of here?

Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti

@AntonioFrench

Trump’s foreign policy answers sound like a book report from a teenager who hasn’t read the book. “Oh, the grapes! They had so much wrath!”

@noogscorner

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

@Surhailo

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

@notmythirdrodeo

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

@slennonhugs

once while i was camping in Florida a raccoon got in my car and long story short if you see a raccoon driving a 97 Saturn Wagon DM me

@JaymayAllDay

1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.

@protolalia

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

@briancthayer

*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.