@Wine_Honey1

People tell you to make yourself at home but then look confused when you drink their liquor and take a nap in the kitchen

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@shita3yosays

Nice try “unknown” caller, but I don’t answer when my family calls so what chance did you think you had?

@rickolantern

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

@somecleverthing

Want to avoid making excuses when people ask you to hang out? Always say no when someone asks “wanna hear something amazing?”

@T_Bonezzz_

Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up

@karanbirtinna

Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!

*falls down and covers himself with leaves*

Her: We’re in a zoo!!

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?

Me: one’s for you

Him: and the other one?

Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.

@flashember

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

@Dawn_M_

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

@ArfMeasures

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.

@QwertyJones3

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you