People tell you to make yourself at home but then look confused when you drink their liquor and take a nap in the kitchen

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Nice try “unknown” caller, but I don’t answer when my family calls so what chance did you think you had?


My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks


Want to avoid making excuses when people ask you to hang out? Always say no when someone asks “wanna hear something amazing?”


Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up


Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!

*falls down and covers himself with leaves*

Her: We’re in a zoo!!


Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?

Me: one’s for you

Him: and the other one?

Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.


[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-


Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.


People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.


So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you