I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
You Might Also Like
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.