People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
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It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Damn he played himself
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999