People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
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I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I’m aging like a fine banana
first you must answer his riddles
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit