People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
You Might Also Like
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
hmmm
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week