People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
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My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Livid.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Most fashion shows these days…
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.