People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
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I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
shut up and take my money
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!