Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
You Might Also Like
a conspiracy: all these dudes on tinder are actually holding the same fish. they just ship it to each other when they need a new photo because they can’t actually catch one
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
…: who do you listen to more? Mummy or daddy?
5y: mummy talks more
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
What I learned from watching Star Trek: Nothing. I’ve never watched Star Trek. I am popular with friends. We don’t do that.
The plural of “person on Segway” is “losers.”