People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
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I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
this makes me so uncomfortable
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?