People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
You Might Also Like
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”