People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
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* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
my first dose meeting my second
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)