@Parkerlawyer

People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.

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@LOVELADONNIS

Woman on the plane just asked her crying son “are you gonna be a gangsta or a crybaby” I’m like damn are these the only options?

@Shen_the_Bird

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

@zachreinert03

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

@missmayn

Donald Trump should start preparing for next season of Dancing With The Stars.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips

@venomjunkie2

My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.

@AristotlesNZ

Got caught again. Next time I’m stealin alcohol from the neighbor’s, I gotta remember not to do it hummin the Mission Impossible theme song.

@susie_qsie

If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…

…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.

@BoomBoomBetty

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.