Woman on the plane just asked her crying son “are you gonna be a gangsta or a crybaby” I’m like damn are these the only options?
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
You Might Also Like
With a name like butterflies you would think they would be fatter
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Donald Trump should start preparing for next season of Dancing With The Stars.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Got caught again. Next time I’m stealin alcohol from the neighbor’s, I gotta remember not to do it hummin the Mission Impossible theme song.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.