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Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it


If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.


*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down


gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope


Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”


No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.


“The Bible” running on the History Channel is like “Dragons” running on Animal Planet.


I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.


DAD: you need to look out for people

ME: yes we’re all in this together

[thump thump]

ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!

DAD: as I was saying