Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
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Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum