God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
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At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now