“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
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Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ