People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
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TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.