How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
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#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
How your email finds me
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.