It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
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Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.