At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
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Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
britain’s three elite institutions
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
🤣🤣
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.