People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

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Don’t feel like going to the gym?

Go to all your ex’s facebook pages and see who they’re dating now.

Then go to the gym.


relationships are fun if you like being yelled at for facing the wrong direction while you sleep


My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.


my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015


Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?


Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?


[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]



Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it



Five Secrets of Successful People:

1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets


[job interview]

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“My honesty”

“I don’t think-”

“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”