People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
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The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?