@ehdannyboy

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

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@NervousJr

Don’t feel like going to the gym?

Go to all your ex’s facebook pages and see who they’re dating now.

Then go to the gym.

@DaddyJew

relationships are fun if you like being yelled at for facing the wrong direction while you sleep

@jellybnbonanza

My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.

@causticbob

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

@slimmy_shady

Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?

@AimeeHelene1

Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?

@dyldonot

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD

@UnFitz

Five Secrets of Successful People:

1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets

@KyleMcDowell86

[job interview]

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“My honesty”

“I don’t think-”

“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”