It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
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I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
My birthstone is a sushi roll.