@RapeyRaperton

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

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@sixfootcandy

People need to learn the difference between heroin and heroine. One is exceedingly more difficult to fit into a syringe.

@KoKeniSasquatch

Thanks to this face I’ve been forced to work on my personality and wit for decades.

@_Shizzle

My friend David had his id stolen. I just call him Dav.

@Slims_Ramblings

I saw a picture of myself on a milk carton once but my new family was rich so I kept my mouth shut.

@Rollinintheseat

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”

@cpabry

Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”

@ScratchPaper8

Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.

@Overdue_Bills

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.

@stinky_blinders

My coworker read some fake Facebook thing saying vitamin C is the cure for the virus. He’s been drinking 3 large glasses of milk per day for the last 9 days. I haven’t had the heart to tell him orange juice is the one with vitamin C