@tsm560: Her: I’m putting you in the dead zone Me: Lol you mean the friend zone Her: No

@peterjames48: Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: "Are you SURE you want to spell your kid's name that way?"

@junejuly12: Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you're not the h in chameleon.

@shanethevein: I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck. Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

@ThisOneSayz: Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don't eat meat! Me: don't forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!