People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
You Might Also Like
bout dat hot dog summer
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
one of
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people