@iwearaonesie: wife: Alright, who loaded the dishwasher? [cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]

@chrisanna4real: Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you. I'd like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

@wolfpupy: if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

@DannyZuker: Daughter is acting so rude I'm not sure she's even mine. Think my wife may have cheated on me with YouTube's comments section.

@just1fool: Since I live my financial life under water I decided to put a "Beware of sharks" sign in my front yard.