The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
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Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?