cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
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Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Which wines pair best with gloating?
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.