People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

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normal person: 7+6= 13

me: if 7+7 is 14 & 6 is one less than 7 then 7+6 must be 13.


Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today


Buddy, If you get in a fight with me there’ll only be 2 “hits”; You hitting me and my screams of pain hitting 100 decibels.


You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.


[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]


All I’m saying is God wouldn’t have given me this wild hair if he didn’t want me to store stuff in it.

*baby hedgehog peaks out*


Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.