Interviewer: on holiday, what do you miss most about your work?
Me: lol I think I’m hearing the question wrong
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
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nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Things that don’t exist:
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
There’s no law that says you can’t make a tiny swimming pool in your belly button for a gummy bear pool party.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
five hundred miles