People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
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Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
🤣dope
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.