People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
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FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Ok but actually
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face