@dumbbeezie: People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
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@robfee: Dang girl are you the old lady from Up, because I've only been here for like 5 minutes and you're already gone.
@aaronfredericks: me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you'll see. they will ALL pay for this waitress: okaaay... so separate checks then?
@ComedicBust: *First Date* Her: Hobbies? *thinks about the 50,000 piece Lego Death Star I'm building* Me: Architecture and Astronomy. Her: Impressive.
@AbbyHasIssues: Me: I hate math. Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.