People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
You Might Also Like
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Sign at work today