People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
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Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Leonardo DiCaprisun
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle