People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
You Might Also Like
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father