People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
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i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*