People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
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I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
My warrants are pretty outstanding.