People think I’m a good listener because I am quiet when they’re talking, but really I’m just thinking of how I can create a diversion and run away.

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Guys who go see 50 Shades of Grey… Do you all remain seated an extra 30 min after the movie’s done? 💪


Shout out to everybody home for the holidays telling their family about conversations that happened online by saying “My, uh… friend said…”


my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool


You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.


HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15


ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire


Parachuting is probably the best way to put your life in the hands of a backpack.


I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.


Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.