@BrownDogBlanket

People think I’m a good listener because I am quiet when they’re talking, but really I’m just thinking of how I can create a diversion and run away.

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@Julie_Cooker

Guys who go see 50 Shades of Grey… Do you all remain seated an extra 30 min after the movie’s done? 💪

@anildash

Shout out to everybody home for the holidays telling their family about conversations that happened online by saying “My, uh… friend said…”

@tracietom

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

@OhNoSheTwitnt

You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.

@OllyiConic

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

@GrantTanaka

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire

@juliussharpe

Parachuting is probably the best way to put your life in the hands of a backpack.

@AmishPornStar1

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

@calvinstowell

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.