Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
You Might Also Like
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store