@deankarrier

People think life after having kids is filled with sleepless nights and constant cleaning. That’s not true. There’s also anxiety and fear

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@jergarl

The Wizard of Oz is my favorite children’s book that teaches us that it’s ok to steal shoes from someone as long as they’re dead.

@heatherlou_

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

@JT_IV_

Men simply like to adjust their junk,
it’s not pocket science.

@murrman5

“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers

@kendraaaleighh

For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all im sayin. the choice is yours

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

@Mister_Gravity

I don’t understand the big hubbub about missing divers. They’re probably just underwater.

@SamReidSays

Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.

@bornmiserable

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all