The Wizard of Oz is my favorite children’s book that teaches us that it’s ok to steal shoes from someone as long as they’re dead.
People think life after having kids is filled with sleepless nights and constant cleaning. That’s not true. There’s also anxiety and fear
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As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Men simply like to adjust their junk,
it’s not pocket science.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all im sayin. the choice is yours
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
I don’t understand the big hubbub about missing divers. They’re probably just underwater.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.