If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
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Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.