The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
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The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!