People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.

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[First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.


welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister


Coworker: That’s a stupid song
Me: Your face is stupid
Coworker: Way to be mature


I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.


[first 2 hours of meeting]


[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks


son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?

me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son


Mumble rap was invented by a guy trying to repeat what his wife just said after she caught him not listening.


My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout


MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*