@nyquills

People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.

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@jctwritesstuff

[First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.

@IamEnidColeslaw

welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister

@im_not_smug

Coworker: That’s a stupid song
Me: Your face is stupid
Coworker: Way to be mature
Me: YOUR FACE IS MATURE!!

@robdelaney

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

@Rica_Bee

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

@MarfSalvador

son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?

me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son

@dadsrpeopletoo

Mumble rap was invented by a guy trying to repeat what his wife just said after she caught him not listening.

@mom_tho

My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout

@FeelingEuphoric

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*