People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
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Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single