If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
You Might Also Like
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.